Today I’m going to open up to you all. While thinking about this post today, I felt how difficult it is to open up or talk to about something. We have this constant thing going on in our head that, “what if people don’t understand”, ” Should I even do this?? ” , “what if I get trolled”, etc.
Asking people to talk about their problems and experiences is easier than doing it. So I can’t ask you all to talk about such things until and unless I do it myself first.
So here I am.
There was a time in my life when things weren’t good. I had shifted to new school, I was not being able to adjust there, I wasn’t scoring well, I was being bullied, I was being called names, and last be not the least got backstabbed by friends, I thought I would have forever. And all these things were going on at the same time.
I hated my life. I hated school. I hated everyone and everything. And the worst part was I had no one to share all these things with. I had no one to talk and trust to. I was scared, lonely, unsure, fragile and depressed. I used to cry at nights and go back to “school” in the mornings.
And at a point things became so worse that I thought about killing myself. Yes I did. I was trying to look as if nothing bad has ever happened to me for the sake of my family. I didn’t want to see them hurt and suffer because of me. I thought if I will end myself, everything will become perfect again. My parents and my sibling will carry on with their lives and I’ll take all my problems and troubles with me.
But I loved my family too much to be unsure about it. So I just observed them one day, to see if they will really be happy after I’ll be gone. I realised, they won’t. I, as if for the first time, noticed how much they love me. Everything they talk or plan about includes me. I was heartbroken. And I thought I will tolerate all those things for them. I didn’t want to hurt them no matter what.
Few days passed, and I continued my routine. But one day I got so bullied in school that it was a last nail in the coffin for me. I tried to control my tears and did something I never thought I was capable of. I went to my class teacher and made her promise that whatever I’m going to tell her will stay between the two of us and won’t go to my parents or any other higher authorities.
I was taking a huge risk by telling her those things but I had to either ask for help or kill myself. And no matter what I was definitely not ready to give up and let those stupid people win. I was scared while talking to her but she told me she won’t be able to help me if I didn’t be honest with her. So I spoke everything like a trained parrot. I told her how I’m getting bullied and how I thought to end my life. And after, what seemed like eternity, I felt good. I felt relived that I finally spoke up.
We together decided to take one step at a time. Firstly I improved my grades and participated in the competitions and events. I strengthened my academic record first. And as soon as I started focusing on myself more than my problems, things automatically started to fall in place.
Due to the competitions, I became more confident and outspoken than I was. Eventually the bullying stopped. I made few new and true friends. Sometimes people used to call me names too but I was so satisfied with myself that it stopped bothering me. But whenever it did, I took stand for myself.
Leave a Reply